Did you put grandma in a psyche center when she wouldn't stop talking about Martians? Hate to break the bad news, but grandma was right – there is life on Marz - it just happens to be underground. Surface living is so overrated.
The people of Marz are well prepared for almost anything (well, almost, who knows what they think of Kim Kardashian’s giant ass). When it comes to planetary defense, they rely on M.A.S.A. - Marzians Against Space Assault – to keep them safe in their beds at night.
A labyrinthine organization employing thousands of people, M.A.S.A. is everywhere, but within its endless halls there is one section of great importance to us on Urth – LIMP. The League for the Investigation of Marzian Penetration is tasked with keeping an eye on human activity, so watch your back! No, seriously, they are watching and some don’t like what they see. The fact is, Marzians are broadly divided into three groups. There are those who can’t wait for us to finally get our butts into gear and physically reach Marz with a real-life human (go-go Elon). Others, however, will do all they can to prevent this, fearing everything Urth stands for. That leaves the rest of the population who don’t really care either way.
It’s the old story of progress and superstition, paranoia, and unrequited inclusion leading to a lot of hassle. Saying that the one thing most Marzians agree on is that even if you are pro-Urth, first true contact has to be from we humanz reaching Marz rather than them coming to us. Of course, that doesn’t stop a few of them from communicating with Urth in their own special way – but that story is for another day. In the meantime, here are the members of LIMP:
As the leader of LIMP, Vimple rules his fiefdom with a rod of iron (or at the very least a heavy-duty alloy). Yes, he’s getting a bit ‘long in the antenna’, but what he lacks in youth he makes up for with resolve: resolve not to forget his false teeth, resolve to not fall asleep in the afternoon, resolve not to drool. He's just resolving all over the place.
He knows that humans may be either Marz's greatest enemy or best resource, and as a scientist, he must keep an open mind (at least when he’s awake and takes his meds). Indeed, the professor’s proudest boast is that he’s only interested in facts, not feelings. Unless he's trying to ‘cop a feel’ from his ass-istant. Dirty old man.
Professor Vimple’s deputy and ‘wingman’, Thrusta is someone to be taken seriously - especially by himself. He’s convinced Urth, and we Urthlings, are the greatest threat to Marz, and everywhere else for that matter. Why? He claims the 1969 Apollo moon landings messed up his weekend home’s rock garden. Quite frankly, Thrusta is a bit unhinged – something those who work with him at LIMP know all too well. Not that he cares what they think, and why should he? After all, the future of the entire solar system is at stake so someone must remain vigilant. Urthlings - those antennaless fiends - are out of control and heading his way. Nothing to see here, keep moving - you're not welcome, Urthlings.
Laboratory Technician Roobi
Roobi's hair may be greene, but her brain is definitely blonde She loves to gossip, shop online, and spend her working days analyzing the Internet habits of humanz - especially on social media. Roobi often ponders life's greatest mysteries, like how a Thermos keeps the hot hot and the cold cold. How does it know?
Sadly, work sometimes gets in the way of her web-surfing and deep-thinking. A seductive wink and a naughty half-smile will usually get her back to doing what she pleases. People-smarts.
Laboratory Assistant Loob
The office intern and class clown, this guy likes nothing better than irritating Doctor Thrusta, who is way too uptight for Loob. The fact is, our young hero doesn’t really care if Urthlings arrive or not – why should he? Humanz can’t even work out the coded jokes he sends them through his crop circles. Dumb asses! To Loob, Urth’s most useful function is to feed the paranoia of his nemesis Thrusta, whom he taunts with many loaded observations, often repeating to his superior that ‘If Urth attacks Marz it’ll surely come from the rear.’ A terrifying prospect for the poor doctor, and pure delight for Loob. Metrosexual...perhaps.
Mission Specialist Anker
There is only one way to describe Anker – he’s an idiot. Somehow, years ago, he managed to secure a gig allowing him to live on Urth as one of their reporter types – which was just as well given how hard he finds telling the truth.
Now, however, he works for LIMP, and has to do as he’s told. Every month the reluctant Anker is forced to return to Marz and to justify the useless things he's done. Not an easy task for a happy-go-lucky dimwit, whose only claim to fame is that he introduced mustard, hummus, and twerking to Marz. Shake that booty.